Happy Mother’s Day

“Parent” is a loaded word, even when divided into “mother” and “father”. Everyone thinks they can do it, and better than the people they see. Better than their own parents.

Yeah, not all parents are good parents. Some are down right abusive. Some, in trying to do what they think it right negate the child’s ability to be a whole person of their own. There’s black, and a narrow band of white and a hell of a lot of gray.

Mother’s Day reminds us to honor our mothers. But it can be a cruel reminder to those of us who have lost their mothers (mine died when I was 9) or those out there with mothers who abandoned, neglected or abused them. It is very hard, possibly impossible to face the idea of what a mother is supposed to be and reconcile it with what an abusive female parent has been.

The same is true for fathers and Father’s Day.

Just over a week ago my father had a stroke and spent some time in the hospital. I hadn’t talked to him in about five years, not due to an argument, like many in my family think, but because I’d finally broken under the pressure of misery.

See, you start to realize things when you become a parent yourself. When you have to make the choices between what you want or need and what your child or children needs. More than any other conversation, memory or event in my life, traveling the path of parenthood hammered in just how much was different between how I was raised and how I raise my children. There is massive gap between the two. It’s impossible for me to look at all I have done for my kids, and do, without thinking, without even really considering putting myself first, and not realize that I was neglected, at best as a child.

There are some things children shouldn’t think about their parents. There are some places children shouldn’t go. There are feelings children shouldn’t feel about parents. Knowing now, seeing now, every single day, how my actions so easily effect my children and how I hold myself responsible for them receiving the mental, physical and emotional care they need to be whole, healthy people later in life, I can’t help but blame my parents, and secondarily the other adults who could have intervened and didn’t, for many of the negative things that happened in my childhood.

I have been told I am a bad person for this. I have been told that my parents didn’t have to take care of me, and I should just be thankful that they kept food on my plate and a roof over my head.

But parenthood doesn’t end at paying the bills. Parenting is in the small moments that fill our lives, many of which we don’t remember, save for their contributions to making us grow up feeling loved, or otherwise. Parenthood is about turning off the television to listening to what your child has to say when they need you. Parenthood is making sure they have clothes that fit, the self esteem to face their challenges and tools they need to keep themselves clean and well functioning (even if you have to be that tool, making sure they bathe, have clean clothes and brush their hair and teeth daily). Parenting is as much about defending your child as it is about disciplining your child when they have done something wrong.

Some parents only offer one of these sides. Some, offer none and instead seek to pay their children off to be quiet, well mannered accents to their lives instead of stresses.

Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day means something different to the people out there, which is a lot of us, who have the other kinds of mothers, the kind you see on Law and Order instead of sitcoms.

While some people are sending their mothers tokens of their appreciation and affection, and others are morning their mothers, or their lack of good mothers, I’m using this Mother’s Day to renew my vow to my children. I will be better than my parents. I will give you the tools you need to shape yourselves instead of forcing you into the shape I want you. I will hold you responsible for your actions, and expect the best of you.

But I will also defend you against those who seek to hurt you. Those who make you feel worthless, or inferior. I will build you up against the hazards of the would, rather than be the one who gets to leave the first scars.

I owe you my best, which isn’t perfect, isn’t easy, and isn’t always what you’d like.

So to my children, Happy Mother’s Day.