I has a sad.

So I like advice column, I read them often and have a few sent to my inbox. Today’s Dear Margo features a question, theoretical in nature, about why there’s a been a sudden rise and awareness of issues like ADD, ADHD and autism. I’m not sure why autism gets lumped in with ADD, seeing as ADD is a learning disorder and autism is literally, a different kind of brain. But my sad comes from the comments, where loads of truly ignorant, close minded people blame TV, junk food, lack of exercise and lack of spanking for these problems.

Yes assholes, my child has a differently shaped brain because I don’t spank him enough!

Seriously what kind of douche do you have to be to blame the parent for the child’s neurological disorder? Because we chose to fight with these things every day for the rest of our lives. Because when our kids were born we went to the doctor and said “you know parenting isn’t challenging enough, let’s fuck up something in this kid’s brain to make it real fun.”

Because I want to have a child that gets weird looks, and I want to be the parent that gets nasty looks when my child has a meltdown in Walmart simply because something is too loud, but others look at me like I’m raising the worst brat ever. I want to fight him every time we go out because he is shaky and the trip isn’t ground into his routine.

We didn’t chose this life, for us or our children. The idea that genuine neurological disorders are somehow the parent or child’s fault–or choice–is an ignorant, hateful thing. How about instead of looking at us with judgment and blame look at us with admiration and support. Because it is very easy to abandon children these days. And those of us who are stepping up to support our children, to help them to the best of our ability, should be lauded and celebrated not be forced to fight against the crushing weight of this sort of ignorant opinion.

Anyway, here is the article, if you too want to comment, and here is my comment. I think I should have put “Fucking douches” at the end.

As a mother of an autistic child I am very upset to see these ignorant claims that junk food, “lack of spanking” and “lack of exercise” are the causes of autism! I will give you that ADD/ADHA/et all are likely over diagnosed, but autism is literally a matter of a different kind of brain. Studies have shown that the autistic brain is shaped different and works differently (and often times it is larger than the “normal” brain). Furthermore there is NO medicinal “correction” to autism, so the idea that parents and teachers of autistic children are just trying to drug bad behavior out of them is insulting.

Diatribes like the ones in these comments are why parents are terrified to seek help, terrified to admit that their child might have a problem. It is NOT a parent’s fault that their child is autistic and this sort of pushing blame onto the parents’ actions only ads layers to the guilt and pain we suffer when our child receives the diagnosis.

Trying to beat, exercise, manipulate or otherwise force a child with a genuine neurological problem into “being normal” is abuse, and as a society we should be ashamed of ourselves. That is where all these poor kids were fifty and sixty years ago, they were beaten or otherwise forced into “normal” behavior or locked away in asylums or abandoned to the streets.

Fifty years ago we did not value the mental health and well being of ourselves and the people around us. Those with problems considered common today were dismissed as defective, thus the huge problems with returning veterans.

I thank God that my son was born in a time where people do (or should) understand that being different doesn’t mean he is defective, or incapable of functioning in society. He doesn’t have to be locked away like some dirty secret. We work extremely hard every day, with very little respite from friends and family to try to help him learn the skills he will need to hold a job and lead a happy, healthy life. Exercise, diet and our punishment style has very little, if anything, to do with it and those of you out there passing your crushing, blind judgment on all the families like mine who are trying to make YOUR world a better, more tolerant place should be ashamed of yourselves.