I’ve been mulling this over all day, how to talk about this without getting completely self absorbed. But really is not to make excuses or whine or such, but to show that not all cases of being overweight are black and white cases of overeating and lack of willpower.
Seriously, that is so utterly ridiculous. It’s the equivalent of saying the solution to our health care problems is that people without insurance should stop getting sick or injured.
I’m putting this whole rant behind a cut, because it gets personal and that might be yawn worthy instead of interesting.
I’ve talked about my issues with food before. For those who missed it, or don’t want to click through I lived through some serious neglect as a tween/teen because my father was an alcoholic and had some pretty big issues of his own to deal with. I have eating issues stemming from needing to gorge and eat competitively when food is available and of course, from not having healthy, regularly available food.
These core problems are what I’ve been working on, not just to lose weight but to become a healthier person. To stop hating myself.
Over the last two years I’ve been trying, with mixed success, to develop better eating and exercising. I’ve been held back a bit by financial problems, injuries, and of course my trained instincts which make it harder. Last year I was on a mostly regular exercise schedule (strength training) and practicing portion control and there was no real change. I felt better, physically, and I felt better about myself, but I wasn’t losing any weight.
My doctor suggested that I try doing aerobic or yoga type exercises instead, which would burn fat and compact, but not really build muscle. She also had a full blood work up done on me. Tests came back and she said I was in text book-great shape based on my blood work, my physical exam and my blood pressure. She told me to try the new exercises, do my best, and don’t worry about it.
This led to me trying to find out what my relationship with food was, and beginning to realize how very against me my body is trained to be. So this year I’ve been trying to “retrain” myself. Both my eating habits and my self image. I’ve been trying to live by the simple health motto “Don’t do shit that makes you feel bad”.
I’ve seen some real results in some ways. The amount of food I eat, what kind of food I eat, and when I eat. And in July I started going to a weekly yoga class at the clinic, which is fantastic because it pushes me physically but it is a no-guilt class.
Today I had my yearly visit and I have still gained weight. I’m not perfect, but I know I’ve improved my habits. I know because I feel better about myself. My pants are fitting noticeably better. My gut cravings are not as bad. I know there has been progress.
But I’ve been having sleeping problems too, as in if I sit still of any length of time I fall asleep. On bad days I am literally up moving around or sleeping. I thought it was just problems adjusting to my new schedule, but no amount of caffeine, going to bed early or anything has helped. I timed it today. Two minutes. I fall asleep in two minutes if I’m not actively doing something, which means I fall asleep reading, watching TV, answering email. I fell asleep writing today. I woke up ten minutes later because I bit my tongue and there was a line of letters where I’d fallen asleep literally in the middle of a word.
My doctor said that it’s clear that I’m not eating horribly and I am exercising because my blood work was “beautiful” (not exactly the part of me I think about being called beautiful). She says I’m doing well (because I can’t help being hard on myself at times and blaming myself for not trying hard enough) and there’s no real reason why I shouldn’t be losing weight. She wants me to see and internalist to make sure nothing is wrong that we’re missing, and a behaviorlist to give me encouragement and tips on continuing my lifestyle change.
Clearly there is something going on, and it is possible that instead of shedding weight my body is literally shutting me down when I am not immediately active in order to maintain its state.
So tonight I am going to bed early, tomorrow I’m going to eat every three hours as she asked to try to reset my metabolism and Monday I think I’m going to try out the clinic’s Jazzercise class, which my doctor takes.
But it’s not a black and white case of eat less, lose weight. And anyone who says so either has no clue what it’s like or is denying something themselves.
