So here’s what happened to us today. We have been visiting the YMCA twice a week for open swim. The kids are doing very well, are becoming very comfortable with the water, and furthermore with the pool rules and locker room rules. In fact, both kids are really enjoying swim time not just as exercise and recreation, but as social time as well. If there aren’t other kids to play with they will play games with each other.We’ve been having lots of fun, and the kids have been making single serving friends, or at the very least been learning how to deal with other kids/people in this situation, which for ASD kids is a BIG deal.

Today super lifeguard (who was pacing the edge of the pool, getting onto everyone for everything, to the point of waving a laminated copy of the pool rules in people’s faces) was in residence. (There were issues with bigger kids splashing and practically jumping in on people too, but…) While I was hanging up my purse on the wall my kids went a head and got into the pool. They’re comfortable with it, the stairs are all of three feet away from where I leave my purse and it takes me all of ten seconds to hang up the purse and be right behind them. Super Lifeguard yelled at them, and me, telling me I have to be in the pool with them. Well duh. I’m in a bathing suit, with goggles and dive rings on my arm, right behind the kids. But apparently I have to be in the pool first.

Then a few minutes later my daughter wanted me to race her swimming. So we do laps short ways across the pool and when I turn for a lap back I see the lifeguard scolding my son and removing him from the pool. There’s never been a problem with his behavior in the pool, other than the occasional jog, so I’m wondering what the hell. The lifeguard tells me my son was stealing toys from another kid (a rubber ducky that my son had been playing with when I moved all of three feet away to do laps with my daughter). The thing is there were three duckies, so both kids could have had one without any of them “being taken away”. The lifeguard then said that my son was squirting the other child and the parent complained. (Almost immediately after this incident, by the way, the parent in question had a very friendly conversation with me. Nothing significant was said, but it was absolutely friendly, no sign of this parent being upset at all.) So my son was removed from the pool and put in “time out” and threatened with getting kicked out altogether because he squirted another kid…in a swimming pool. (With several thirteen year olds nearby having a “who can splash the biggest” contest” about five feet away.)

I tell the lifeguard that my son is autistic so he doesn’t understand all the social rules like other people. My mouth is open to explain to him that things need to be explained in a way he understands when the lifeguard tells me that if my son is autistic then he needs to be at my side the whole time period. And he goes on to say that the pool is very busy and if it’s too much for my son we can go into a swim lane (which are all of three feet wide) to swim away from the other kids.

Now let me tell you something, Autistic does NOT mean incompetent. There are issues like sensory issues, OCD and yes, mental retardation are co-morbid (that refers to disorders that commonly occur together, I like it, so I use it a lot) but every mental issue, from depression to OCD and PSTD and autism is a RANGE of issues. If a child is Autistic it doesn’t immediately mean they are are stupid, or incapable. It means they have communication problems.

My son is perfectly capable of functioning normal, with a bit of aid, and the #1 thing he needs is help with communicating. You cannot pull him out of a pool and start chiding him and be vague about it. “You can’t do that” means nothing, but “You can’t squirt people” does mean something. Specific statements are easier to understand.

We almost went to complain right there, but the lifeguard backed off and as it turned out my son had been trying to play with the other little boy. They were playing with the ducks together and yes, my son squirted the other boy. Initiating social play is a huge deal to ASD kids, and in a way they make themselves very vulnerable when doing so. This is the time when they are most likely to be rejected by other kids for being weird or different. ASD kids do communicate, and therefore interact, differently, so yeah, it can come off as weird if you don’t see that they are simply trying to reach out to you. (My son for example, will sometimes go up to people and monologue a story. He’s trying to get attention and interact, and he doesn’t really know how to converse, so he monologues.)

So here’s what was done:

Boy plays with other boy by squirting him with a rubber ducky in a pool. Lifeguard jumps in, scolds older boy in vague language about the boy being wrong and misbehaving, makes him get out of the pool and sit in time out, then spends five minutes arguing with his mom about the boy’s behavior, ending with telling both that the child should stay right at his mother’s side.

What should have been done:

Lifeguard sees older boy squirting younger boy in a swimming pool with a rubber ducky. If the younger boy or parents were upset or complained the lifeguard should have gone to the child and said “He doesn’t want to play like that.”

That’s it. Or “Please don’t squirt the other kids.”

So how do you tell if you’re dealing with a special needs kid? Does it matter? Is it really that hard to be specific when correcting a child? Furthermore, if the child’s parent is right there, isn’t easier to just tell them if there’s a problem and let them parent their own child?

But instead pulling my son out of the pool and lecturing him about how wrong he was without him understanding exactly what it is that he did wrong (he thought he was being scolded for trying to play with the other child) led to twenty minutes of my son crying to me that he himself was a jerk and a horrible person and he had to leave the pool because the other kids didn’t like him. And the lifeguard’s instant assumption that autistic=incapable led to me leaving a rather angry message with the aquatics director.

I don’t like to be a bitch, but my son has every right to be in that pool, to play without me hovering over him at arms length. My daughter deserves to get to lap race with me, even if her brother doesn’t want to. I should not have to fight for these things for them, especially since no one was in any danger (my son is chest arms and head over the water in the shallow end and the other child was being held my his mother with a floaty strapped to his back).  If he had talked to me everything would have been fine and there would have been no issue at all. Not even a reason to point out to the whole pool that my son is not like the rest of them.

So if you find yourself in a situation like this there are the things to do:

1. Leave it to the parent to parent.

2. Make sure you are communicating clearly and efficiently. All kids people deserve it, special needs or not, and clear communication diffuses all kinds of situations and resolves all kinds of issues, usually harmlessly. All it takes is a little effort.

3. Don’t assume that a disability makes someone incompetent, stupid or incapable. It’s insulting, belittling and infuriating. If you don;t know what to do when someone says “My son is autistic” there is nothing wrong with asking “Then how do I help” or “then what do you suggest”.

Bonus points: No one responds well if you start a conversation by telling them they’re bad and threatening them.

Have a little consideration, and keep in mind that not everyone is like you. That’s all it takes.

My husband and I have a 9-year-old son with severe autism. I cope well enough most of the time, but I would really appreciate your advice about how to handle shopping.

My son may look like a typically developing 9-year-old, but if a loud noise startles him, or if he likes something and wants it, or maybe even for no apparent reason, he will make loud noises or say a few words repetitively, getting louder and louder. He can even have a full-blown meltdown (which is like a temper tantrum on steroids). When that happens, I try to finish my shopping as quickly as humanly possible, grabbing only the bare essentials (milk, bread, etc.) and leaving, apologizing and explaining if asked.

The past several times I have gone shopping, I have been yelled at by complete strangers and one woman tried to lecture my son on proper behavior. I’m at my wits’ end on how to respond. Usually, I end up in tears. If I had another way of managing the grocery shopping solo, I would do it. I already do almost all of my other shopping online or on those rare occasions when I can get a sitter. I would really appreciate any advice you could offer on how to handle this shopping nightmare. — Flustered in Florida

And the thing is, this letter just barely glances off it. My son looks “normal”. He doesn’t look disabled, and even when he is repeating or ticking it’s pretty easy to dismiss it as him playing or just talking to himself (both are self soothing techniques, they are meant to help him remain in a situation that is making him uncomfortable.) The problems we have is with transitions and when we don’t follow through how he expects us to. Like when a line out the door makes us change our mind about going to one restaurant, or if we want to go someplace he isn’t familiar with (or isn’t in the mood for). When we go to the chinese buffet, for example, he knows they have pizza, and chicken nuggets, and chocolate ice cream and every color of Jello (and a neato fountain in the front with koi!) but he knows there is very little he’ll eat there and we always get resistance, sometimes meltdowns, when we go. And we can’t give in, because he does know there is food from him to eat there, meltdowns are just his way to deal with this. It’s not throwing a fit over not getting his way, because he is told no all the time and deals with it. The meltdown is his reaction to stress that overwhelms him. Period. He hates them as much as we do (and often apologizes constantly after having one).

We could avoid situations that stress him out, However 1) We shouldn’t have to, because we have as much of a right to be shopping or dining where we want as anyone else, especially considering that all he ever needs is a few minutes to “reset” himself (and those minutes can be taken in a bathroom, or outside in the parking lot.) and 2) It is essential for HIM to learn how to deal with his own limitations. It is essential for HIM to learn that life isn’t always exactly how you want it. Things happen that you don”t like all the time and you have to learn a way to handle it. As a parent it is my job to actually raise my child to be a strong, capable, and to have problem solving & coping skills. This is one of the hardest things to do and the temptation is to try to force the world into shaping to the child’s needs rather than teaching them to co-exist.

There are somethings you can demand (education, laws against discrimination, gainful employment) and there are somethings that will never be inside anyone’s control (assholes, accidents, bad luck). We fight for the things we have to, but we also have to teach coping and problem solving skills, and maintain a family unit, not stop each individuals existence for the sake for the disabled child. (You risk isolating and scarring any “typical” children you also have, as well as burning yourself out as a parent.)

With few exceptions special needs children can learn to adjust to situations like shopping. They can learn to cope, like my son has by quietly repeating under his breath, playing and joking around, and most importantly by learning the positive side to being in these situations. There should be rewards for good behavior, for self coping instead of melting down and society needs to understand the importance of these kids being part of society, rather than seeking to shove them out and chastise parents for trying to integrate them (or fro having them in the first place).

I’ve been lucky that no one has ever opened their mouth to me about my children’s behavior in public. No, really, those people are lucky they’ve never tried to correct me on my parenting. But I have gotten dirty looks. And I have felt the miserable, center-stage feeling the letter writer refers to.

Never, ever assume that the child is just a brat, or the parent is just a failure. You have no way of knowing the truth based on a brief interaction at a store.

Now it’s getting darkish green again as more storms approach. See you on the flip side.

Yes assholes, my child has a differently shaped brain because I don’t spank him enough!

Seriously what kind of douche do you have to be to blame the parent for the child’s neurological disorder? Because we chose to fight with these things every day for the rest of our lives. Because when our kids were born we went to the doctor and said “you know parenting isn’t challenging enough, let’s fuck up something in this kid’s brain to make it real fun.”

Because I want to have a child that gets weird looks, and I want to be the parent that gets nasty looks when my child has a meltdown in Walmart simply because something is too loud, but others look at me like I’m raising the worst brat ever. I want to fight him every time we go out because he is shaky and the trip isn’t ground into his routine.

We didn’t chose this life, for us or our children. The idea that genuine neurological disorders are somehow the parent or child’s fault–or choice–is an ignorant, hateful thing. How about instead of looking at us with judgment and blame look at us with admiration and support. Because it is very easy to abandon children these days. And those of us who are stepping up to support our children, to help them to the best of our ability, should be lauded and celebrated not be forced to fight against the crushing weight of this sort of ignorant opinion.

Anyway, here is the article, if you too want to comment, and here is my comment. I think I should have put “Fucking douches” at the end.

As a mother of an autistic child I am very upset to see these ignorant claims that junk food, “lack of spanking” and “lack of exercise” are the causes of autism! I will give you that ADD/ADHA/et all are likely over diagnosed, but autism is literally a matter of a different kind of brain. Studies have shown that the autistic brain is shaped different and works differently (and often times it is larger than the “normal” brain). Furthermore there is NO medicinal “correction” to autism, so the idea that parents and teachers of autistic children are just trying to drug bad behavior out of them is insulting.

Diatribes like the ones in these comments are why parents are terrified to seek help, terrified to admit that their child might have a problem. It is NOT a parent’s fault that their child is autistic and this sort of pushing blame onto the parents’ actions only ads layers to the guilt and pain we suffer when our child receives the diagnosis.

Trying to beat, exercise, manipulate or otherwise force a child with a genuine neurological problem into “being normal” is abuse, and as a society we should be ashamed of ourselves. That is where all these poor kids were fifty and sixty years ago, they were beaten or otherwise forced into “normal” behavior or locked away in asylums or abandoned to the streets.

Fifty years ago we did not value the mental health and well being of ourselves and the people around us. Those with problems considered common today were dismissed as defective, thus the huge problems with returning veterans.

I thank God that my son was born in a time where people do (or should) understand that being different doesn’t mean he is defective, or incapable of functioning in society. He doesn’t have to be locked away like some dirty secret. We work extremely hard every day, with very little respite from friends and family to try to help him learn the skills he will need to hold a job and lead a happy, healthy life. Exercise, diet and our punishment style has very little, if anything, to do with it and those of you out there passing your crushing, blind judgment on all the families like mine who are trying to make YOUR world a better, more tolerant place should be ashamed of yourselves.