Did you mean “vanished”?

It’s no secret that I’ve been incredibly stressed and emotional lately. I’d be an idiot to think I’ve kept is well contained and that it hasn’t slipped out on Twitter, Facebook and here. After all when the biggest outlet you have is ranting online, how can it not?

So I’m unhappy with a lot of things in my life, and I know that it’s up to me to fix it, because it’s my life and only I can figure out what I want. The problem comes next and I have to sit here and admit–I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m often amazed at how the internet has affected my life. The other day I was trying to identify insects in my garden to make sure they weren’t going to kill off my plants, so I goggled “garden pests Louisville Kentucky”. I was trying to research a company I had never heard of that cold called me to offer job training so I googled their name and “complaints”. When I can’t remember a term while writing half the time I just google “voodoo” to find it. And who doesn’t google a word to see if google corrects your spelling?

The truth is I feel lost. Not exactly, because I know where I want to be,  I know what I have to offer. I know I have skills that can put me where I want to be. But I don’t know how to get there. It like I’m alone in my car on a city street with money for an emergency, and a full tank of gas, but I left the GPS at home and the directions just flew out the window. Worse, I’ve stopped three time for directions and each time I’ve been given different directions.

It’s no wonder I get overwhelmed and frustrated and confused.

Part of it comes from expecting my issues to be fixed with one action. Put in an application, get and interview get the job. It seems simple, but it’s not. And there are tons of factors I can’t control or overcome in my way. And the pressure is still on, spiking with every bill that arrives and remembering how much easier life was with just a stupid, easy little part time job in the mix isn’t helping.

It’s hard to take off the coat of frustration and desperation and panic that accumulates on you. It’s hard to keep thinking “Well at least I get to spend the summer with the kids” when it’s followed with “Too bad we can’t do anything because I’m broke.”

And sometimes you wonder if you really are, broken I mean. Which is why I let the emotion slip through and vent. And I know it’s made me a rather bitter person to be around lately. But there’s a distinct lack of outlets in my real life. Maybe it’s because people are tired of hearing it (well, I’m tired of feeling it), maybe it’s because people are helpless to do anything more than listen and that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid I’ll jinx them. Maybe it’s just because most of my friends are very often busy living their own lives and we intersect only at brief points in time.

I’m trying to make the best of things as I can. I’m trying to pursue gainful (steady) employment and not to let my woe and wangst spill out to the world around me. And I’m sucking at it apparently. But I’m going to keep trying and try to put out more positive than negative.

Because I hope, in my heart, that I’m not really lost, I’m just on an unplanned epic adventure in life.