Was 2011 a failure?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself since Yule. I still can’t answer it.

I’ve been troubled a lot this week by looking back and realizing this time last year I had a good job I liked, was hunting for assistance to go back to school, had quite a few stories published, fewer bills, met one of my author idols, interviewed another, hit all my writing goals…

And this year I’ve had (and lost) 4 jobs, my only publications are self publications, my husband is very likely losing his job, we’re behind on bills, I’ve not got crap done as far as writing and I’ve been in an out of a depression for eight months. It’s not all bad. I sold my first novel, none of the job losses were my fault (in fact two have called me back for second positions now, hopefully the most recent one will be a permanent position), I’m healthy when a lot of people haven’t been, my kids are doing excellent in school, and I got a freelance gig as a slush editor, a job I’d been wanting for years now.

It’s no wonder I’m feeling lost in an ocean of…stuff. Emotions, facts, trends, wants, needs, fears.

I admit that I’m one of those people who look way to much at what I haven’t done, the days I went and spent time with the kids and the husband instead of sitting down to write, or the days when I was too emotional to get anything done, fighting my own brain chemistry. I know the depression is certainly not my fault. I know spending time with my family is certainly not time wasted. But I’m a creature of guilt and I feel guilty for not being significantly closer to my goals this year. I feel guilty for not being stronger than stupid depression.

2011 has made me feel, more than anything, weak. So many things have slipped through my fingers, and I probably couldn’t have stopped any of them. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if I could have. From asking myself how I expect to be able to make deadlines, to do this as a career if I can’t make myself sit down and write everyday. How do I expect to make a living off my words if I can’t overcome biological laziness and stress?

The other part of the problem is that I have a really hard time demanding my needs be met. I have a hard time telling my family no, I HAVE to get this scene done. I have a hard time telling my boss, no, you cannot change my schedule on me three times in two days. I have a hard time telling other authors emailing me for book reviews, no, I just don’t have the time.

I started out this year as a bookseller. I’ve been reviewing since 2007. I’ve been fan-girl reviewer for so long people I’ve submitted to have told me they didn’t know I was an author when I mentioned my book. I consistently read instead of writing. I consistently review instead of writing. The only goals I’ve reached this year are my books read and reviews written ones.

Books make me happy. Reading them, reviewing them, getting to talk about them, getting to edit them and pick them out of slush piles and… I love books, with the whole of my being. I think it’s time I love MY books too.

I’m not quitting reviewing. I do like talking books and unless I get another bookselling job (which is unlikely the way things are right now) reviewing is my forum for that. Plus I really enjoy working with the Monster Librarian crew. But I have been given a new position at ML, which allows more original work and less straight reviewing. And there’s nothing saying I have to review every book I read anymore.

I have to tell myself it’s okay to work on my stories. It’s okay to take time for my projects. I love the book community, but I need to rebuild myself a bit, because it feels like I’ve been flaking away this year while I’ve been tossed around.

Was 2011 a failure? I can’t say that because that would mean Wolf Heart is unimportant and Violet Ivy is unimportant and the books I have gotten done and the goals I have reached are unimportant. But 2012 calls for a refocusing, beyond making goals and trying to stay motivated to reach them. 2012 calls for changes from a deeper place, a place which means the blog might be quieter and less interaction online and less reviews and cons and such. Because I really do feel I have more to give than just my reviews and my support as a fan and as a reader.

I have stories to tell, and emotions to make you feel, and it’s about time I brought that side out again.