2015 n’ junk n’ stuff

So, last day of the year…good fuckin’ riddance.

2014 was a shit year for my family. It started out not all bad. I did get my dream job and start training as a vet tech at a clinic that is pretty darn awesome. I’m out of the corporate world, in a small business that mostly appreciates my work (no one is perfect, you know.) And I saw an uptick in my etsy sales, as well as managing to sell a few paintings as well.

As for the bad, well hell. My mother-in-law died in January, my former place of employment disciplined me and threatened to fire me the day I returned from her funeral, my partner was laid off by his job of 12 years and we’re had a number of adventures at the unemployment and social security offices poorly equip with our Unearned Income of Entitlement (aka the system is unfair and seeks to blatantly punish those who need and ask for help under the guise of “encouraging” people to not continue on social services and make one feel as if the whole world thinks you’d be better off dead than remaining alive), someone dumped a dog with a ton of medical issues in our yard and we couldn’t bear to let him be put down at a shelter so we tried to save him, in the end that dog once he got better showed a dangerous level of aggression, attacked and killed our cat of 9 years and we had to humanely euthanize him (even though we became ridiculously attached to him, and after we’d accumulated a huge vet bill trying to help him), our van broke down (and is still immobile in our driveway, longing for the day when we have money to fix what we hope is a minor hose problem), my partner lost a cousin, the mother of a lifelong friend and one of his high school friends is now battling a serious health issue, he himself has had a few narrow misses with “almost, but not quite” employment, is battling a pretty fierce depression and also just got life changing medical news.

As it stands now I have to get through two checks with reduced holiday hours (because we’ve been closed on Thursdays, which are usually my 10 hour days), still have over $200 in vet bills to pay, will probably slip behind on other bills because of pay and holiday spending, Jason has to wait on more doctor visits before he can be employed, if they even hold the job for him and don’t just fill it with one of the thousands of other people looking for work right now.

It’s been a very rough year, and I hope things turn around, but then I’ve been hoping that all year.

Some of my artist friends and I have taken to choosing a word to represent the year, in lieu of resolutions or goals. Just some element that we want to see happen or work toward. Last year this was my word art:

 

At the beginning of 2014 I had reached a point where I had stability in my life. I’d had a job for two years, Jason had been at his job for a while, the kids were doing well in school (in fact my daughter had qualified for advanced placement classes) and it looked like it was time to start really working on things in our life.

I wanted to work on repairing and beautifying our home, even though I didn’t have a lot of handywoman experience. Well the bad news is we know our foundation needs some expensive repairs, but I have patched holes, built on my garden, worked a lot on decluttering and organizing, repaired my washer on my own and I got pretty good at making jam this year.

I wanted to grow more positive things my life, literally and in a social/magical sense. That part has been very hard because of all the struggles with depression and the insane amount of negativity we’ve faced this year. But I have been trying to stay positive. I’ve been trying to give when I can, to share what I do have and to help other people. I would very much like to be able to do more of this.

I wanted to work more on writing in 2014 as well, and at that I’ve excelled. I’ve written a novella, am about 20-30k into the Wolf Heart follow up and I released a short story collection that I’ve been planning for two years. I’ve started querying agents again (no luck yet, but I’m putting my work out there again!) and submitting stories to magazines I’d like to see my name in. I’ve also worked on improving my crafts, through rejoining a workshop, and my other craft by starting to play with painting videos and instructions books.

I think its possible that my 2014 year has been a very powerful one because so much has been stripped out of my life right now that there is indeed some room for major progress. I guess it just doesn’t feel much like progress when you’re looking at an empty lot and bill for demolition wondering where you’re going to live while things are rebuilt.

In 2015 my word is:

 

I thought about it for a long time. At first I was going to make it “Hope” as a way to encourage myself to hold out hope, to keep believing that things happen for a reason, and yes, we are pulling ourselves up by our boot straps a little at a time.

But then I started thinking about how I have been internalizing so much negativity and hopelessness lately. I feel so much like I need to punish myself for not doing enough to support my family, for not being able to just fix all these things going wrong. And then I thought about how ridiculous that is. I can’t fix Jason’s depression. I can’t fix his unemployment.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fix Butch’s aggression issues, all I could do is make the best decision for him and my family moving forward. And that decision is freedom. I couldn’t rewire his brain, or go back in time and re-raise him to not be fearful and reactive.

I can’t go back in time and re-raise myself to be a confident, secure person who believes she is someone of value. I can’t change the things that happened to make me who I am. But I can try to work toward freeing myself, from insecurity, from fear and from whatever wiring it is that leads me to blame myself for failures entirely outside of my control. I can work toward NOT punishing myself for “not being good enough” and toward freeing myself from the idea that I will never be good enough.

And hopefully with that freedom I’ll find a way to handle the down swings and the up with grace and aplomb, and be able to also model that to my children and the people around me.

So, here’s to 2015, and a kickin’ New Years Eve celebrating that 2014 didn’t manage to kill us.