This is a racial-themed post so skip it if you aren’t ready to see my one-sided attempts at continuing this discussion. I’m putting it behind a cut too, for good measure.

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So it occurred to me today that a lot of people know that special needs kids are just kids like the rest of us, um, the other kids, and have the same wants and needs and feelings. And I know that part of the issue of autism awareness is that there is no magic birthmark that appears on a child’s head that tells people they’re autistic. A lot of problems come from people not knowing how to handle some situations.

So here’s what happened to us today. We have been visiting the YMCA twice a week for open swim. The kids are doing very well, are becoming very comfortable with the water, and furthermore with the pool rules and locker room rules. In fact, both kids are really enjoying swim time not just as exercise and recreation, but as social time as well. If there aren’t other kids to play with they will play games with each other.We’ve been having lots of fun, and the kids have been making single serving friends, or at the very least been learning how to deal with other kids/people in this situation, which for ASD kids is a BIG deal.

Today super lifeguard (who was pacing the edge of the pool, getting onto everyone for everything, to the point of waving a laminated copy of the pool rules in people’s faces) was in residence. (There were issues with bigger kids splashing and practically jumping in on people too, but…) While I was hanging up my purse on the wall my kids went a head and got into the pool. They’re comfortable with it, the stairs are all of three feet away from where I leave my purse and it takes me all of ten seconds to hang up the purse and be right behind them. Super Lifeguard yelled at them, and me, telling me I have to be in the pool with them. Well duh. I’m in a bathing suit, with goggles and dive rings on my arm, right behind the kids. But apparently I have to be in the pool first.

Then a few minutes later my daughter wanted me to race her swimming. So we do laps short ways across the pool and when I turn for a lap back I see the lifeguard scolding my son and removing him from the pool. There’s never been a problem with his behavior in the pool, other than the occasional jog, so I’m wondering what the hell. The lifeguard tells me my son was stealing toys from another kid (a rubber ducky that my son had been playing with when I moved all of three feet away to do laps with my daughter). The thing is there were three duckies, so both kids could have had one without any of them “being taken away”. The lifeguard then said that my son was squirting the other child and the parent complained. (Almost immediately after this incident, by the way, the parent in question had a very friendly conversation with me. Nothing significant was said, but it was absolutely friendly, no sign of this parent being upset at all.) So my son was removed from the pool and put in “time out” and threatened with getting kicked out altogether because he squirted another kid…in a swimming pool. (With several thirteen year olds nearby having a “who can splash the biggest” contest” about five feet away.)

I tell the lifeguard that my son is autistic so he doesn’t understand all the social rules like other people. My mouth is open to explain to him that things need to be explained in a way he understands when the lifeguard tells me that if my son is autistic then he needs to be at my side the whole time period. And he goes on to say that the pool is very busy and if it’s too much for my son we can go into a swim lane (which are all of three feet wide) to swim away from the other kids.

Now let me tell you something, Autistic does NOT mean incompetent. There are issues like sensory issues, OCD and yes, mental retardation are co-morbid (that refers to disorders that commonly occur together, I like it, so I use it a lot) but every mental issue, from depression to OCD and PSTD and autism is a RANGE of issues. If a child is Autistic it doesn’t immediately mean they are are stupid, or incapable. It means they have communication problems.

My son is perfectly capable of functioning normal, with a bit of aid, and the #1 thing he needs is help with communicating. You cannot pull him out of a pool and start chiding him and be vague about it. “You can’t do that” means nothing, but “You can’t squirt people” does mean something. Specific statements are easier to understand.

We almost went to complain right there, but the lifeguard backed off and as it turned out my son had been trying to play with the other little boy. They were playing with the ducks together and yes, my son squirted the other boy. Initiating social play is a huge deal to ASD kids, and in a way they make themselves very vulnerable when doing so. This is the time when they are most likely to be rejected by other kids for being weird or different. ASD kids do communicate, and therefore interact, differently, so yeah, it can come off as weird if you don’t see that they are simply trying to reach out to you. (My son for example, will sometimes go up to people and monologue a story. He’s trying to get attention and interact, and he doesn’t really know how to converse, so he monologues.)

So here’s what was done:

Boy plays with other boy by squirting him with a rubber ducky in a pool. Lifeguard jumps in, scolds older boy in vague language about the boy being wrong and misbehaving, makes him get out of the pool and sit in time out, then spends five minutes arguing with his mom about the boy’s behavior, ending with telling both that the child should stay right at his mother’s side.

What should have been done:

Lifeguard sees older boy squirting younger boy in a swimming pool with a rubber ducky. If the younger boy or parents were upset or complained the lifeguard should have gone to the child and said “He doesn’t want to play like that.”

That’s it. Or “Please don’t squirt the other kids.”

So how do you tell if you’re dealing with a special needs kid? Does it matter? Is it really that hard to be specific when correcting a child? Furthermore, if the child’s parent is right there, isn’t easier to just tell them if there’s a problem and let them parent their own child?

But instead pulling my son out of the pool and lecturing him about how wrong he was without him understanding exactly what it is that he did wrong (he thought he was being scolded for trying to play with the other child) led to twenty minutes of my son crying to me that he himself was a jerk and a horrible person and he had to leave the pool because the other kids didn’t like him. And the lifeguard’s instant assumption that autistic=incapable led to me leaving a rather angry message with the aquatics director.

I don’t like to be a bitch, but my son has every right to be in that pool, to play without me hovering over him at arms length. My daughter deserves to get to lap race with me, even if her brother doesn’t want to. I should not have to fight for these things for them, especially since no one was in any danger (my son is chest arms and head over the water in the shallow end and the other child was being held my his mother with a floaty strapped to his back).  If he had talked to me everything would have been fine and there would have been no issue at all. Not even a reason to point out to the whole pool that my son is not like the rest of them.

So if you find yourself in a situation like this there are the things to do:

1. Leave it to the parent to parent.

2. Make sure you are communicating clearly and efficiently. All kids people deserve it, special needs or not, and clear communication diffuses all kinds of situations and resolves all kinds of issues, usually harmlessly. All it takes is a little effort.

3. Don’t assume that a disability makes someone incompetent, stupid or incapable. It’s insulting, belittling and infuriating. If you don;t know what to do when someone says “My son is autistic” there is nothing wrong with asking “Then how do I help” or “then what do you suggest”.

Bonus points: No one responds well if you start a conversation by telling them they’re bad and threatening them.

Have a little consideration, and keep in mind that not everyone is like you. That’s all it takes.

Ahem. You have to be awfully savvy to live with 6 people in the house full time when your primary bathroom (and the only one with a shower) currently looks like this:

Two more pictures for good measure.

‘Nuff said.

RRW is a local rock/punk band. The guitarist is my friend Taylor, who also writes for Pallidium (an RPG company for those who don’t know.) Since it’s almost Friday I’m sharing a bit of video and a few photos of them. You can can get more info (like where to buy their album) here.

This is a BP post, so keep moving if you don’t want to hear it.

So, long story short, a BP pipe has been gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for almost forever and BP has been reaction with the speed of a turtle on pause. Everything they have tried has failed, so now they’re trying to keep all media out of the area, using the local sheriffs and coast Guard as their own personal force of bullies. The good news is, hey it’s create in job in the area still suffering from Katrina. The bad news is this might just destroy the world. (Okay, so I’m skeptical of that, but no one can say that this spill is a good thing.)

Obama let his balls drop a bit, sending BP a bill for $69 million in government clean up costs. As awesome as that is, most of us are sitting around, hundreds if not thousands of miles from the Gulf, wondering what the hell we can do.

So here’s some answers:

Donate. Here’s some places helping.

• The Coalition to Restore Coastal Louisiana
• Defenders of Wildlife
• Emerald CoastKeeper
• Greenpeace International
• Louisiana Wildlife Rehabilitators Association

Donate hair (pet and human) for spill clean up materials. Try to get your local salons and pet groomers involved.

Boycott BP brands including Castrol, Arco, Aral, am/pm, Amoco, Wild Bean Cafe, Safeway gas.

Reevaluate how you use oil period. There are free things you can do, like turning off appliances and lights, lowering your car and heating uses. Also consider the “hidden” ways you use oil, through products like plastic (storage containers, plastic utensils, plastic wrap) or even home products like siding and roofing materials. NatureWorks is a company that manufactures plastics without using oil. Consider buying from them, or getting their products stocked at your store.

I’m not a fan of consuming more as a way to be green, but there are a lot of things you should think about when buying. I’ll never advocate buying a new appliance or vehicle just because it’s more energy efficient, but if you do need to replace something anyway, get the best you can. Water heaters, furnace, dryer, washers, whatever it is. If you use plastic storage bins (for food or what not, they certainly do have some benefits over other types of storage) use the hell out of them. We get plastic containers when we order chinese, and they go right into the dishes to be washed and reused later. We get the more permanent form of food storage containers, and even those kinds that are supposed to be disposable get used for as long as they function.

There are lots of better articles out there on conservation, and even some that don’t tell you to go out and buy electric cars and push lawnmowers. I advise you to really think about what you’re being told and your own personal life style. Taking actions, in the form of lifestyle changes is a process and it’s about evaluating your own actions and what’s available around you. It helps if you know what products you are using because of their availability or out of habit, your own buying and waste habits and the misinformation and poorly covered information out there.

The “green” movement very often focuses on buying something, usually something expensive (new cars, new appliances, even those canvas bags can be expensive!) because we are trained by society to consume. To make a lifestyle change to have to step back and ask “Do I need that? And do I want to buy that?” No one should feel guilty because they can’t afford a hybrid car, or because their lifestyle (hello kids!) demands plastic dinnerware instead of metal. Remember that if you have to replace broken dishes constantly that’s just as bad, from a consuming point of view, as having a set of plastic dishes that don’t break when a child drops them.

Also keep in mind that what you see isn’t always what you get. For example ebooks versus print books. Ebooks don’t use paper, but readers are made of plastics, many of these devices (like cell phones) are designed to be replaced/upgraded every few years, and who knows how environmentally friendly those batteries are. And yes, paper books are made of trees, but trees that grow for years, counteracting CO2 in the air. (Another bonus to having a home garden is that vegetable plants are plants, oxygen producing, healthy, GREEN plants.)

But there is a lot you can do that might not help with the oil spill directly, but will affect the oil consumption you might be taking for granted right now.

I knew what I wanted to take a picture of from the moment I saw this week’s theme. Reflective brings to mind mirrors and a state of thinking. Mirror bring to mind a story I read that perfectly encapsulates my idea of reflection. But first, my picture.

And now the story. In the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett there’s a character that I adore named Granny Weatherwax, who is the quintessential old wise crone/witch. She does astounding things all the time, most amazing of which is giving people exactly what they think they need to preserve their happiness, health and lifestyle. Logic goes a little funny around Granny Weatherwaxc, mostly because it finds her rather intimidating.

Anyway, in one book Granny faces down a very powerful witch, who amplifies her powers through mirrors. After the final showdown they both get trapped in a mirror world filled with mirrors. A gate keeper of sorts tells them both that when they find their true self they will be set free. The other witch runs off to find the mirror which contains her true self. Granny Weatherwax simply points down at her chest and says “This one’s real.” (or something similar, it’s been a while).

This so captures the idea of reflection to me, that reflections are powerful tools, but they aren’t the real us.

The photo captures this concept for me because the mirrors show twisted reflections (somehow I didn’t end up reflected in them either, which is amusing) and because they are surrounded by such glitz and glamor. Like I’ve been feeling lately, like I have to put forth this image of glam and perfection, or at least entertainment, but it’s not real. It’s barely even a small slice of my life that people even want to see. What they really want is the (to continue the metaphor, the mirrors are from a merry-go-round) ride and to lose their ownselves in it for just a few moments.

I think as a writer it’s easy to forget that the reflection is not really us and that the people around us, all of them, cannot help but to impress their own needs, emotions, experiences and fantasies on us. It’s very hard to hold onto your individualism in family life, and in life as a public artist (or a public person period).It’s very easy to try to live up to everyone else’s expectations and sacrifice your own, or to dwell too much on that moment of ride, or fantasy that you forget what the core of life really is.

This is a kid fueled post, so be warned I’ll be ranting. Today in her column Dear Margo addresses a huge, close to my heart issue:

My husband and I have a 9-year-old son with severe autism. I cope well enough most of the time, but I would really appreciate your advice about how to handle shopping.

My son may look like a typically developing 9-year-old, but if a loud noise startles him, or if he likes something and wants it, or maybe even for no apparent reason, he will make loud noises or say a few words repetitively, getting louder and louder. He can even have a full-blown meltdown (which is like a temper tantrum on steroids). When that happens, I try to finish my shopping as quickly as humanly possible, grabbing only the bare essentials (milk, bread, etc.) and leaving, apologizing and explaining if asked.

The past several times I have gone shopping, I have been yelled at by complete strangers and one woman tried to lecture my son on proper behavior. I’m at my wits’ end on how to respond. Usually, I end up in tears. If I had another way of managing the grocery shopping solo, I would do it. I already do almost all of my other shopping online or on those rare occasions when I can get a sitter. I would really appreciate any advice you could offer on how to handle this shopping nightmare. — Flustered in Florida

And the thing is, this letter just barely glances off it. My son looks “normal”. He doesn’t look disabled, and even when he is repeating or ticking it’s pretty easy to dismiss it as him playing or just talking to himself (both are self soothing techniques, they are meant to help him remain in a situation that is making him uncomfortable.) The problems we have is with transitions and when we don’t follow through how he expects us to. Like when a line out the door makes us change our mind about going to one restaurant, or if we want to go someplace he isn’t familiar with (or isn’t in the mood for). When we go to the chinese buffet, for example, he knows they have pizza, and chicken nuggets, and chocolate ice cream and every color of Jello (and a neato fountain in the front with koi!) but he knows there is very little he’ll eat there and we always get resistance, sometimes meltdowns, when we go. And we can’t give in, because he does know there is food from him to eat there, meltdowns are just his way to deal with this. It’s not throwing a fit over not getting his way, because he is told no all the time and deals with it. The meltdown is his reaction to stress that overwhelms him. Period. He hates them as much as we do (and often apologizes constantly after having one).

We could avoid situations that stress him out, However 1) We shouldn’t have to, because we have as much of a right to be shopping or dining where we want as anyone else, especially considering that all he ever needs is a few minutes to “reset” himself (and those minutes can be taken in a bathroom, or outside in the parking lot.) and 2) It is essential for HIM to learn how to deal with his own limitations. It is essential for HIM to learn that life isn’t always exactly how you want it. Things happen that you don”t like all the time and you have to learn a way to handle it. As a parent it is my job to actually raise my child to be a strong, capable, and to have problem solving & coping skills. This is one of the hardest things to do and the temptation is to try to force the world into shaping to the child’s needs rather than teaching them to co-exist.

There are somethings you can demand (education, laws against discrimination, gainful employment) and there are somethings that will never be inside anyone’s control (assholes, accidents, bad luck). We fight for the things we have to, but we also have to teach coping and problem solving skills, and maintain a family unit, not stop each individuals existence for the sake for the disabled child. (You risk isolating and scarring any “typical” children you also have, as well as burning yourself out as a parent.)

With few exceptions special needs children can learn to adjust to situations like shopping. They can learn to cope, like my son has by quietly repeating under his breath, playing and joking around, and most importantly by learning the positive side to being in these situations. There should be rewards for good behavior, for self coping instead of melting down and society needs to understand the importance of these kids being part of society, rather than seeking to shove them out and chastise parents for trying to integrate them (or fro having them in the first place).

I’ve been lucky that no one has ever opened their mouth to me about my children’s behavior in public. No, really, those people are lucky they’ve never tried to correct me on my parenting. But I have gotten dirty looks. And I have felt the miserable, center-stage feeling the letter writer refers to.

Never, ever assume that the child is just a brat, or the parent is just a failure. You have no way of knowing the truth based on a brief interaction at a store.

To the non-gardening inclined this is a boring phase in the garden. But if you’re a gardener you know how exciting it can be to see your plants getting thicker, darker and bigger every day For both sides I’m kicking off with a shot of pea flowers, and the rest (including some shots of my gardening buddies) is under the cut.

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