February 11

Last Brother, Last Sister Snippet

Last Brother, Last Sister is now available! Enjoy!

In the beginning, it is said, there was only the Great Serpent, whose seven thousand coils lay beneath the earth, holding it in place that it might not fall into the abysmal sea. In time, the Serpent began to move, unleashing its undulating flesh, which rose slowly into a great spiral that enveloped the Universe. In the heavens, it released stars and all the celestial bodies; on earth, it brought forth Creation, winding its way through the molten slopes to carve rivers, which like veins became the channels through which flowed the essence of all life. In the searing heat it forged metals, and rising again into the sky it cast lightning bolts to the earth that gave birth to sacred stones. Then it lay along the path of the sun and partook of its nature.

– Wade Davis, The Serpent and the Rainbow

1

They’re always asking him for how-to articles these days. How to survive the zombie apocalypse. How to live afterward. But the thing he can’t tell people is they won’t survive it. They can’t come out the same person they were before and for most people it’s easier to just surrender and die.

If they’re not most people then they’ll find pretty quick how relative terms like ”apocalypse” are. They think it means mass execution. Genocide, or an attempt thereof. The large scale deaths involving hordes of people. But he knows apocalypses have nothing to do with volume. They happen all the time to people on the street who leave the house in the morning as normal and come home dead inside. Apocalypse is a personal thing that no one can really define for anyone else.

Another interesting misnomer is the term “zombie.”

Leslie Petersen, for example, sat on a rocker in the crook of her kitchen. Behind her was a pretty, sun-filled window that took up the whole corner of the house and a shelf stuffed with the plants she’d collected over sixty years of life. Her husband, Lester, hid in the basement and had been doing so for two days now. It had a lot to do with the way Leslie twitched, muttered, occasionally screamed out to the ghosts of people from her past, now as long dead as herself.

Mostly, though, Leslie’s husband hid from what lay in front of her. There was a pleasant social idea that after death people stopped hurting. Pleasant and a complete lie, Papa Murphy knew. When you bring a soul back to a diseased body death doesn’t magically hold the sickness in stasis. In life Leslie had suffered from a most insidious illness, Alzheimer’s. A creature of habit and unable to function without his wife of fifty years, he hired a hack who promised the process would heal her savaged brain.

He lied.

Now Leslie sat in her rocking chair, the only safe place in the world, blood painted up to her elbows. Her gore-covered hands fluttered, broken birds in her lap against the cadaverous background of her empty abdomen.

The glistening jewels of her internal organs sat in a careless pile in front of her. Lester didn’t know about the uncle who had raped her as a child. Or about the baby which had been stillborn in the cold, isolated halls of a home for troubled girls. But Grandma Leslie remembered. Her dead, damaged brain took her down paths that humans couldn’t follow. She had carved herself clean trying to get rid of ghostly bodies and phantom touches.

Murphy crouched down into the range of her vision, the pile of organs – slowly desiccating now that they were cut off from the magic embedded in her veins – between himself and the animated corpse. “Hey, Mama Leslie. Bad times, eh?”

Leslie didn’t look at him, but she answered. “Bad times. Bad girl getting a baby in her belly.”

“It’s not your fault, Mama Leslie.”

Tears sparkled in her eyes. “Not my fault.”

Leslie and Murphy had a lot in common. The Baron touched them. Both communicated on a different level than normal people.

“No, darling, it’s not your fault.”

After sixty years she finally could believe someone. The magic in his blood touched her own and made her listen. She still cried, but now it was a thing of relief, joy. She leaned across to Murphy, grabbing his dark face in her wet hands. “Not my fault,” she whispered. “It’s not my fault.”

Murphy kissed her forehead, opening his mouth slightly at the last moment. When their skin touched he released the psychopomp he’d been holding inside himself. For a moment the world went dark with the soft sound of wings.

“Murphy, son.”

Murphy’s eyes flew open. It wasn’t Leslie’s voice. Gravelly with a hint of amusement, even if it still held the edge of a grandmotherly voice.

“Murphy, my son-”

Leslie went empty. Still startled, Murphy let her slip back into her chair. Something had tried to come through in the moment between the psychopomp taking the soul and the magic bleeding out of the body. Whoever it was, Murphy scowled because he knew, would have to wait. Because he was a nice guy he took the time to put her back together, stitching her stomach with black thread and hiding it the best he could with her nightdress. It stuck to her skin in places, but in death she looked almost dignified.

The state of her soul was his job, not the condition of her body, or her husband. The latter was a task for a shrink, though even the most modern experts in grieving were at a loss on zombies. The church said they were evil, but they said the same of drinking, sex, homosexuality and seafood too, so Murphy wasn’t putting much stock in their usefulness. They’d yet to turn a single zombie back into an empty body.

Of course, Murphy thought, distracting himself, it’s easy to make judgments on the actions of people from a crystal, cold palace a world away. Harder was doing the right thing when ass deep in corpses and entrails.

But Murphy always thought about the aggravating attitudes and people who led to such situations after he’d laid their victims back. Pointless and antagonizing, but that’s where the aftereffects of magic took him. Magic that connected with something beyond, when it wasn’t supposed to.

The check Lester Petersen cut him afterward took Murphy to the front door, before he paused and made the mistake of looking back at the man. Lester stood looking down at his wife. A denser person would think it just reflection, but Murphy saw the way his fingers dug into his arms and how he shook though he tried not to. Murphy cursed and turned back.

“Come on, man. You can’t stay here.”

“I-”

Murphy gave him no choice. He slung a long, black-clad arm around him and gave Lester a little squeeze with his fingers to ensure he had his attention. “No. I have a friend who can take care of this. You’re an old man, you get to take a rain check now and again.”

Sometimes – usually – Murphy felt vindication in letting the living clean up their own messes. But Lester hadn’t known. He’d just made a stupid choice. Murphy gently directed Lester out of the house, and a block down to a little coffee shop-deli thing on the corner. There were two tiny booths inside, so he parked Lester in one.

While he stood in line waiting for coffee he called his cousin Em. “Well if it isn’t my favorite cousin. Whacha need, M?”

He gave her the address. “It got real messy. Do you think-”

“We can clean up? Yeah. Is this one on your bill again, or did you get them to pay?”

Murphy gritted his teeth. “Does it matter?”

Em had a touch of laughter to her voice. “Not really, just curious. Gimme an hour.”

“Okay, we’re at the coffee place down the street.”

“Did it go okay? I mean, not that I doubt you, but you sound a little funny.”

“Long story, Em.”

“So dinner then, too?”

Murphy bit his tongue to keep from cursing again. “Yeah, fine.”

“How’s Chessie?”

“Later, Em. My client just started crying.”

It was a lie, but not much of one. The barista smiled and handed Murphy a pair of tall plain blacks. He flashed his teeth and nodded a “thanks” back as he took them. At the table Lester studied his hands again. When Murphy gave him the coffee he clung to it like the paper cup was a precious object.

They said nothing, made no noise at all, save for the occasional sip. After all, Murphy wasn’t there to counsel the man, just distract him until his home was back to normal.

“She-” Lester said at last. “I-” then he gave up again.

“It’s okay.” Murphy tried to fill in the blanks Lester couldn’t. “You didn’t know.”

“No.” He watched his coffee with sad eyes.

And the system enabled you to make a stupid choice, Murphy thought. Damned stupid raisers. Murphy released his cup to keep from crushing it. A tenth of the population woke up one day with the power to bring back the dead. Not true resurrection, but close enough. Just yank the soul back from Guinee, planted it back in a body and then snatched up their profit.

Murphy’s sympathy and good will only went so far. The man in front of him made the purposeful choice to be ignorant in an attempt to emotionally profit. Not surprising that it went bad, but more than irritating that he turned to Murphy for solace in his stupidity.

“Listen, man.” Murphy made sure Lester was looking at him. “You made a stupid choice, and your imbecile bokor helped you along the way. Now you know to let the dead lie, yes?”

“I dreamed about her, lying in her coffin, crying and calling to me during the funeral. No one else could hear her. No one else would help her as she lay there, terrified and alone.”

A chill went through Murphy, much like the one he’d felt when someone else had stolen Mama Leslie’s voice to try to speak to him. Everyone had the ability to speak with the spirits beyond. What everyone didn’t have was the knowledge. How and what it did to a person who courted with the dead. Murphy’s fist clenched and unclenched as he listened.

“After, I’d hear her. A little cry when I was trying to do dishes. Her voice would call my name as I was trying to sleep. She wasn’t going anywhere,” his voice trembled. “She was just laying there in the ground with nothing else to pass onto.”

Someone had pulled a big number on the Petersens. Someone had spent time coaxing him into spending the money to bring his wife back.

“Who did you call to raise her?”

Lester’s expression changed to fear. Yes, someone did far more to him than just raise his dead wife. When Lester’s face seized up into a snarl Murphy dropped his gaze and put his hands out, palms up, on the table.

“Do you have kids?”

Lester snapped back into the sorrowful man he’d been for the last two hours. “Three. Thomas, Julie and Timothy.”

As Lester prattled on about Timothy the attorney and Julie the doctor and Thomas the engineer Murphy texted Em under the table, offering her an extra fifty to search the house for black magic and any sign of the person who had raised Leslie for him. It was too dangerous to push Lester any further.

Em never answered, but another cup of coffee later she came into the shop, eyes roving for the only other black person in the room. She was the picture of cheerful, round face with a beaming smile and large, pale eyes set inside. She wore plain jeans, a few white spots from bleach along one leg and a red T-shirt with her company name and logo across the chest. Her shoulder-length braids were pulled further back with a black ponytail band and six gold earrings, studs or hoops, dangled from each ear. She had the decency to remove her lip ring during business hours and the rest of her piercings and tattoos were impossible to see while in uniform.

“Mr. Petersen,” she strode over to them purposefully, which took all of two steps, and offered her hand. Somewhat confused, Lester took it. “I’m Emzulie Byrne. I work in conjunction with Mr. Murphy on site clean-up. I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry about anything. We’ve taken care of it.”

Em took his hand in hers, gave it a squeeze and then a pat. “Mr. Healdy at the funeral home has already collected your wife and taken her to be returned. My crew is finishing clean-up right now, and you’re more than welcome to come home.”

It had to be that she was a woman, Murphy thought, why people always reacted to Em in a completely different way than with him. Lester Petersen softened and relaxed at the calm tang to her voice, nodding when she made eye contact and looking relieved, even grateful. Em helped Lester stand, taking his arm in hers and patting him again. Then she led him back down the street to his entirely too large two-story home, where her work van and Murphy’s mud-speckled SUV sat outside.

Em’s coworkers waved cheerily to Murphy from inside the van. Murphy himself paused at the Petersen door when he saw red power peeking out from either side of the welcome mat (which amusingly had been flipped over, as if welcoming the house’s occupants into the world rather than welcoming people to the home.) For the first time Murphy smiled, approving of both measures. There was a good reason he depended on Em.

The charming harlot herself had taken Mr. Petersen into his living room, sat him down with a phone while she made him some tea, and insisted he call his children. Em was good at all the intricate details of people that Murphy missed. She went through life less angry at them, maybe. Calling his kids immediately reaffirmed Lester’s connection with the world, and of course, Timothy or Thomas or whoever, offered to come to their father’s side once Lester, still holding back most of his emotion, told them what happened.

Em bustled about as if she belonged there, until Lester’s son asked to talk to her too, to thank her profusely for fixing the terrible situation Lester had been in and taking care of his father.

Em smiled, obnoxious brat as always, as she got all the thanks, and earned a chunk of the pay, for the work Murphy had done. When Lester was settled in, with family on the way who could do a far better job of coddling than even the nicest strangers, Murphy and Em left, stopping at the curb to exchange pleasantries. And a small navy blue leather bag Em had found in the boxwood and roses near the Petersen’s door. Em refused to touch it with her bare skin, instead using a cartoonish yellow rubber glove to stick it in a plastic grocery bag after she’d showed it to Murphy.

“Someone put a whammy on him, all right.”

“Any sign of who raised the wife?”

Em shook her head. “It’s not like they leave cards. Maybe someone who came in to the area for a few weeks then left. She looked like she’d been up and moving for about a month, that makes things harder. So, dinner tonight?”

“Em, I-”

“No excuses. And bring Chessie.”

“Em.”

She gave Murphy a glare. “I’ll see you at six.”

Then Em put the van between them, climbing in and pulling off a moment later. Murphy scowled at his reflection in the windshield. Six-foot-five, well-muscled but not bulky with a gaunt, pessimistic face, he could see why people related better to cheerful, perky Em. It bugged him, as he got behind his own steering wheel, until he reminded himself he wasn’t there to relate to anyone, just to get a job done.

And the jobs seemed to be unending lately.

Zombies, Murphy thought as he navigated the upper middle-class streets and headed back downtown toward home base, had become a trend. He couldn’t turn on the computer or the television without seeing some new video of a dumb ass chanting “Baron Samedi, heed my call” and waving chicken blood, cold and sterile bought from a deli, over a corpse. And ‘lo and behold the dead would rise, the audience would clap and a month later the wizard raising the body would be gone with the money, leaving someone like Murphy, or the local cops, who had even less of a clue, to clean that shit up. Sometimes literally.

Murphy’s eyes narrowed when a silver sedan cut him off with little room to spare. All the people around him, they knew that the zombies existed, but they rolled out that old, cliched Rainbow and the Serpent bullshit. Baron La Croix wouldn’t have raised an undead, shambling zombie for all the rum and black chickens in the world. It didn’t work that way.

Trouble was, Murphy wasn’t exactly sure how it worked yet. There was still time, he supposed, but every day that went by was another person dying, another desperate family member, or worse, reaching beyond the grave and grabbing what they could find and keep. He wasn’t sure how Em kept so jovial. Maybe he needed a little of whatever she was on.

That thought helped nothing, and instead threatened to take Murphy down entirely darker roads.

McDonalds it was, he thought, stomach growing from the magical imbalance he’d created when he failed to eat after re-laying Mrs. Petersen. Coffee fueled the body, but not the spirit. Murphy picked up a double burger meal and a chocolate shake for the extra sugar and made his way through the drivers trying to kill him on the streets back to his office.

A block away there was a brand new, state-of-the-art (read: overpriced and glitzy) shopping center. Primarily built of glass, steel, neon lights and backroom deals it was chock-full of bars, restaurants and other businesses that could jack up prices to earn enough overhead. Murphy’s office was little more than a double walk-in closet squeezed between a blues bar and doughnut shop. The former never opened before four, the latter never stayed open past two, which was a suitable neighborly relationship in Murphy’s opinion.

Plus they were both good at what they did.

Murphy’s office was divided into two sides. The front was high on what Em called entertainment value. Mismatched wood shelves lined the walls, carefully filled with neatly-labeled glass jars, from traditional Mason jars to fluted colored glass numbers, pouches and baskets of small Ziploc bags. One wall held candles in nearly every color and shape, and plastic bins of leather bits, spools of thread and feathers in various colors. Under a heavy, old glass case there were handmade drums, rattlesnake rattles and a small selection of ritual weapons. On top of the case were the day’s newspaper and an ancient cash register, by modern standards. Racks of pre-made grisgris, poppets, twiggy “voodoo” dolls, incense powders and dried animal parts from bobcat and raccoon tails to rabbit pelts and dried alligator feet sat behind the glass case to keep the curious from pawing over and damaging the merchandise.

Murphy flipped the sign on the door to open, and then moved past the shelf of modern occult texts to the back room. Larger than the front, but not by much, this was his proper office. A utilitarian space of a large desk, a chair behind and two in front, more shelves – these containing opaque boxes left unlabeled – and a pair of guardian filing cabinets. On the far shelf was a small television which Murphy flipped on before sitting behind the desk and digging into his fries.

Petersen was his only appointment on the calendar for the day, but that meant nothing. Life had an unbalanced way of dealing with Murphy and he’d long since given up trying to adjust to it. Despite the voodoo look, his shop was one of two genuine occult suppliers in the city. The demand wasn’t huge, but with only two stores it made for nice enough books between Murphy’s other jobs.

The word “bokor” appeared like a smear on the front door and on Murphy’s business cards. At first people thought, when was the last time they met a business card-carrying bokor? Then they thought back to all the loaded, pop cultural definitions of the work and filtered through them in their head trying to match up the idea with the person they saw in front of them. Most people settled on “witch doctor”, so much so that Murphy saw something click behind their eyes in the way they saw him. Some were fascinated. Some a little scared. A few were angry. He’d even been protested once after the magic started rising and the local media did a story about the shop. But a lot, many more people than the religious fundamentalist and the daffy tourists combined, came to him with real problems. Like Lester Petersen and the little blue bag Em had found in his bushes.

Murphy tossed his fast food trash and dug out the baggie with the pouch. He was reluctant to label it a grisgris because he would have to admit someone who really knew what they were doing had targeted Lester Petersen. It could be a bag hiding someone’s pot stash, ditched when a cop car drove by, for all Murphy knew.

First he used a pair of tweezers to pull it out. It appeared to be made of dark blue suede, like most of the pouches he sold himself. Closing his eyes he let his wide hand hover over it, feeling for intent.

Then he swore again, for him nearly as common an event as breathing. Taking out a pair of sewing scissors he cut open the pouch and spread its contents over the desk top. The bag’s innards confirmed what he’d felt. Magic started with focused intent. The actual practice thereof got a little wobbly because it was completely possible to use white magic for dark intent. And it was sometimes possible to use black magic for pure intent.

Lester’s grisgris traditionally fell into the white category. It was a message pouch, commonly hung around a doll’s neck or nailed to a tree in a cemetery. Inside was a letter for Leslie Petersen in a broken, scrawling script that didn’t match Lester Petersen’s. Someone had set up a basic communication attempt.

No one had hexed or cursed Lester into calling someone to raise his wife. They’d just dialed the phone, magically speaking, and let him hear what was already there. Which also meant Leslie’s spirit hadn’t been taken to Guinee like it was supposed to. It had sat and festered with her dead body, crying out until someone had given her a voice.

Which meant though Lester and Leslie Petersen didn’t know it yet, their case wasn’t really closed. It also meant Murphy would have something to talk to Em about tonight at dinner.

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September 22

Paying for Reviews

There’s some hubub going around today about paying for reviews (and I’m gleefully immersing myself in that to distract myself from a major personal disaster going on at Lee Kiota). I’ve talked about about it before. I think it’s gaming the system. Not stupid, per se, but playing dirty.

I’m not sure how much of an impact it has because fake reviews =/= word of mouth with is still the primary way books sell (it’s just some mouths, like those that appear on TV, are bigger than others.) In my own experience my best selling, by a HUGE amount, self published work is the one that still has zero reviews (holy hell, it does have one! When did that happen?) And the books I have with the best sales period? The ones that came out through KHP.

Trying to find a logic in buying readers’ habits is a Lovecraftian task. You’ll go mad.

Point: I’m not sure reviews sell books anymore than anything else. Why pay for them? If you buy reviews of a shit book to sell it people will point out it’s a shit book and your sales will sputter. Also, there are loads of ways to get reviews for free, like GoodReads’ Giveaways, or, you know, networking with authors and reviewers and offering review copies. Or just asking people who email you praise to post it someplace other people can see it.

Furthermore, these sites popping up naming names…aren’t completely verifiable. I mean, it’s a shit business that makes public the names of their clients when no legal wrongdoing is happening. Grain of salt is all I’m saying.

Personally, I’ve never paid for reviews, unless you count buying copies at cost, or postage to send them out. And I HAVE been paid for reviews, but I was paid by a third party as a contributing author to a webzine, NOT by the author or publisher.

I have no plans to do so when I can buy stuff like beads and promo stickers, and, you know, Taco Bell, instead.

Edited: Oh, right. Linkage.

September 17

I feel the love!

I loved this Amazon review (yes, occasionally I check my books on Amazon, mostly when updating my webpage or checking sales) so much I had to repost it <3

It’s easy to be revolted by zombies, easy to fear them and easy to use them as disposable targets to rack up the body count in untold movies and video games. Easy to see them as mindless, soulless monsters and infectious hazards.

It’s also easy to laugh at zombies, that sort of morbid humor whistling-past-the-graveyard thing, their clumsiness, their shambling and moaning. The line between humor and horror is an elastic one, and zombies seem to be the ones we like to laugh at the most.

It’s a little harder to pity them, though that pathos is often brought out at least for a scene or two … when the final headshot is an act of mercy, an act of love. Those are the hardest moments, the painful and uncomfortable ones. The moments that give us the twinge of shame for having laughed or been revolted.

Because, in those moments, the zombies are re-humanized, and we can no longer pretend.

In Rot, you don’t get a scene or two of those moments. You get pretty much an entire book of those moments. If you’re the sort of person who’s wracked by guilt over the prospect of complying with a Do Not Resuscitate, or putting an elderly or disabled relative in a nursing home, even sending a family pet to the pound – heck, if you feel bad about abandoning your old stuffed animals! – then Rot is liable to hit that nerve.

We hate death, we hate losing our loved ones. We pray, we bargain, we wish we could do anything to have them back. And, despite everything we should have long since learned from “The Monkey’s Paw” and “Pet Sematary” – sometimes, dead is bettah – we let ourselves forget or be fooled.

This is the world of Rot, a world where certain people discover they have the ability to raise the dead … and a lot of other people are glad to pay for the service. Glad, that is, until the inevitable home truths begin to sink in. Zombies are high-maintenance and special needs to the extreme.

You think it’s bad when you give in to your kid’s pleas for a puppy after seeing the latest Disney hit or a bunny for Easter or something, only to find out the hard way that you aren’t really prepared to take care of it, or that it’s far more of a commitment than you anticipated? Well, imagine that this isn’t your kid’s puppy or bunny … it’s your KID, or your kid’s other parent, or someone else close to you who’s died and been brought back.

What can you do? Especially after you’ve gone to all that initial trouble and expense, it might seem wrong just to have them laid back to rest. But you can’t keep them at home. What are your options?

How about Silver Springs, a special care community? Where your dearly not-so-departed will be tended by trained, discreet professionals? Seems reasonable, right? Pricey, but reasonable, a balm to the guilt, out of sight and out of mind.

After all, it’s not like any sort of neglect or abuse could go on in a place like that, right?

I’m tellin’ ya. As the meme says, RIGHT IN THE FEELS.

Category: Business, My Work, Rot series | Comments Off on I feel the love!
September 11

It’s Alive!

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

The List is live on Amazon.com, if you’re interested.

“Horrible death and apocalypse, individually packaged for your convenience. Now with 20% more mutilation!”

I ask myself not “how could this happen?” but “how did we not assume this was the natural outcome of life, and do something about it?” I mean, learn to shoot a gun or sharpen a machete or something, yanno?

But I’m not here to try to analyze why this is happening, or come up with magic cure to the undead. No doubt there are plenty of labs and government d-bags locked away with all the bottled water and frozen McDonald’s patties trying to figure all that out. Not me. I’m here to tell you about the list.

The list of people who absolutely must die in order for me, and any survivors to remain safe.

 

What people are saying:

We all have lists and the only thing holding us back from acting on those lists is our humanity. Or should we act on our lists to embrace humanity?” -Brian L. Adams

 

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August 5

Are you a professional?

An article recently came out on the HWA website with ten questions to determine whether you are a professional writer or not. Whether it meant to or not, the article ended up sounding snide and elitist. It was probably meant to express frustration with “I’ve always wanted to write a book” types that we inevitably run into.

The unmovable force that is Brian Keene responded. So have many other authors.

I always thought that being a professional in any industry meant you conduct yourself in a professional manner. You show up to meetings or interviews (or events) clean, well groomed (in whatever manner that means to you). You are honest with your expectations of the work and your ability to do it. You are honest with others about your ability to do the work. You show up on time, meet deadlines. You do your best to give every project your best effort.

In writing this means you read and follow guidelines. You send out work as polished and error-free as you can, whether it is to editors or work you’re self publishing. You respect your readers (at least as an entity, if not individually) and treat them decent face-to-face or by giving them the best story you can. You don’t expect them to be your beta readers or pay for trash.

I got a day job for a number of reasons. But one of the big reasons I keep it is because writing can easily become insanely stressful. You can’t control what the market wants to buy. You can’t control how talented the other authors in the slush pile are, or who gets their story in first. You can’t read every market or every book and be at every con to be perfectly prepared. The stress of turning writing into getting paid to write was killing my desire to write.

Enter the day job, which I really enjoy. It gets me out with other people, it gets me up on my feet and moving. It feeds one of my many interests. Because I do have many. People are a garden of interests and desires and gardens cannot thrive when only one beastly plant lives. Furthermore it takes a huge amount of the pressure off. Each rejection is finally just that, a rejection, rather than one more failure to provide for my family.

I have some entangling issues, you see, with depression and anxiety. It’s not really anyone else’s business, and not what I meant to talk about here. But the truth is the day job allows me to untangle those emotions and that anxiety enough that I can maintain an enjoyment of writing. I write less these days. But I’m much much happier, and I write BETTER. And additionally I’ve been more fiscally successful in the time since I made that life change. If, you know, that is how you want to define a professional.

If you want to say splitting my attention makes me a hobbyist and not a professional, or working with small presses or self publishing…well, honestly your opinion matters not a lick to me. But I would find it curious because isn’t making the choices that are best for your career a trademark of a professional?

Anyway, like Brian I thought I’d give those questions a crack for amusement, even though the article says you lose automatically if you scoff (and frankly I scoffed at the title.)

1. Is your home/work place messy because that time you’d put into cleaning it is better spent writing?

No, it’s messy because three dogs, a cat, two kids (including a teenager!), an insomniac and a scattered, interest-eclectic artist live here. It’s messy because I’d rather play Final Fantasy 7 or watch seasons of TV shows instead of clean. Because I’m always growing, canning, baking, gluing or organizing something. Because sometimes I come home from work and can barely think straight and the kids have used my bed to bounce on, have been making movies with my craft/sewing supplies, the dogs have cuddled with my sleep pants and my darling husband (who works 3rd shift) is just getting up and moving since it’s his day off. Also, if it’s a matter of my kids eating off clean dishes or me writing…I can write on my lunch break or before bed. Washing dishes takes all of 15 minutes.

2. Do you routinely turn down evenings out with friends because you need to be home writing instead?

What are evenings out with friends? I’m unfamiliar with this concept seeing as I’m often broke and am a parent. Are evenings out like when you go to dinner and a movie and maybe Walmart for some school supplies on payday? In that case I make my husband drive and I write a long the way.

Joking, somewhat anyway. But weekends out are never an every weekend thing. At the very least because working in a retail environment means I work weekends. Jason is part of a wrestling company so I get the fun opportunity to support him by going to his shows. I also have a few friends that celebrate holidays occasionally with a feast-type get together. Writing is wonderful, but a support network can mean the difference between thriving and wilting.

3. Do you turn off the television in order to write?

No, but I do annoy my family by putting CSI and documentaries and seasons of whatever as background noise and totally not paying attention to them while writing.

4. Would you rather receive useful criticism than praise?

It depends on who they are from. Ideally I’d like to receive both. I also think my idea of useful criticism is different than other people’s. I do need criticism. I need encouragement sometimes too.

5. Do you plan vacations around writing opportunities (either research or networking potential)?

No. I plan vacations around what I want to do. I do tend to use a lot of vacation stuff in my books. I read a lot on vacation and want to go places and experience things. I love zoos, parks, caves, craft shops, bookstores…Vacations are also family time. Because it’s easy to forget how important family is when you’re focused entirely on getting stuff done.

6. Would you rather be chatting about the business of writing with another writer than exchanging small talk with a good friend?

No. I love talking writing and hearing other people’s experiences and market tips. But I also want to know how my friends are. If their life is going well, or if they need some kind of support I can give them. And many of us have the same hobbies, so talking about their gardens, their kids, or what books they’re loving. Generally people who can’t talk about anything but business are the nervous-to-be-accepted fanboys that make conversations uncomfortable.

7. Have you ever taken a day job that paid less money because it would give you more time/energy/material to write?

No. I like to eat. I like my kids to eat. And I’m lucky enough to have a partner who does 80% of the bread-winning. My money usually goes to the dash of butter that makes our lives flavorful.

8. Are you willing to give up the nice home you know you could have if you devoted that time you spend writing to a more lucrative career?

I never wanted that “lucrative” career. I always wanted to chase my dreams and make them real.  nice home is one where people are loved and warmly welcomed. Anything else is just a showplace.

9. Have you done all these things for at least five years?

I’ve been writing for…erm , since 7th grade? I’ve been studying the craft for longer. I used to copy down books by hand hoping to figure how they hit all those emotional notes in me. I won a few writing awards in high school (nothing lucrative). I wrote two plays that were performed. I went into college determined to be an author only to be told that genre writing was trash. Then I thought I wasn’t good enough. Then I said fuck that I had to start somewhere and wrote the book that would sell as Wolf Heart over ten years later. It’s all been downhill from there.

10. Are you willing to live knowing that you will likely never meet your ambitions, but you hold to those ambitions nonetheless?

As I said before, Fuck that shit. My ambitions are always changing, many times because I’ve met them. I reevaluate their likeliness and I work toward them. Maybe not every moment, but I try to advance a little every week, every year. It took me ten years to sell Wolf Heart, but not because the book, or myself, are crap. Sales prove that. I wanted to be a vet in high school and a counselor told me there was no way I could do that. It would cost too much. But now I’m working daily with animals and loving it. I’m not a vet, but I have reached that aspiration to work to better the health of animals.

So your aspirations, your career and your life are what you make of it. Don’t give up because someone gives you a character sheet of a “successful writer” and you don’t have the right dots filled in.