February 3

My Suicidal House, Let me tell you about it.

Our house was built in 1900. I adore it, really I do. Yes, it needs some work, some are big things, like a new roof and siding. Most are pretty minor, like tile replacement, new paint, new carpet, drippy faucets. The realator didn’t think this house was livable. We have different ideas of what is livable. I love my house. I loved it from the moment I saw it. I loved it from the moment it was ours.

But it’s trying to kill itself.

And it has help.

Let’s start with the toilet incident. The upstairs toilet was running all the time. A simple check revealed that the rubber part that plugged the channel between the tank and the bowl (I believe it’s called a flapper) was horribly cracked and not creating a seal at all. This should be an easy thing to replace. You turn off the water to the toilet, drain it,  disconnect the old flushing mechanism, install the new one (it even comes assembled), turn the water back on, wa-la. About a $12 repair job and about as simple as it gets. One thing to screw in, one thing to hook. Did you see the “should” up there?

We could not get the old part off. Not at all. the all plastic and rubber piece would not move for anything. We even tried busting it out. Nope. Took the tank off, the mechanism was SUPER GLUED to the tank. Immediately a $12 repair job became at least a $50 job because now we have replace the tank. We’ve opted to leave the damn thing off, since we barely use it anyway (that bathroom has no door, so it’s not exactly great to use), and just move the downstairs toilet upstairs when we remodel downstairs.

I made three sets of goals for 2009; Health/Body Goals, Writing Goals and House Goals. I’m tired of the little things not getting done because we forget or get distracted by the big things that need to be done and miss the little ones that we can “easily” do. So every month I want to do at least one thing to better our living environment.

For January I got weatherizing materials to try to make our house more efficient. I was psyched man. Totally worked up and ready to get my house in shape. The foam stripping stuck to everything but the door, even though I didn’t put it any place where we rub or brush and I told the kids hands off. But by the next night it was sticking to the cat, our shoes, our jackets, the walls the floor… And it’s stuck fine in other places, where the kids are more often and where we rub against or have contact will more often. But the specific place that I bought the foam for? Not there.

The plastic thingie I bought to slide under the back door to block air and to divert the rain water (from the gutter the wind storm took down) away for the door instead of under it? Well it turns out the damn door is set crooked so with the plastic thing on the corner by the hinge fits, but the corner by the handle (er, where the handle should be) won’t close.

And the plastic strip I bought for the front door? Well it turns out there’s a metal strip already there, nailed into the door, but between the nails it’s warped and bent and pulled away, sending eddies of wind right up into the house. So I ended up, in a fit of stubborness, super gluing it along the side of the door where I put the foam at first. Why did I super glue it (especially after the toilet incident)? Because the really sticky stuff on it just would not stick for anything to the door.

And the gaps in the metal guard at the bottom? All I can say is I really like rope calk.

The only thing that went right was the foam pieces we bought to put behind the outlets and switches. Of course I’ve only managed to put those in two rooms so far.

This month we decided to replace the bathtub faucet because it was leaking. We were changing washers every month or so. We got a kit and decided to replace the whole thing, the hardware in the wall, the spout, stems, handles everything. We are not complete idiots but this job has seriously made us feel like it.

To begin with we didn’t have all the right parts. So yesterday we took the old parts off (and er, had to use the hammer to do so because there was some corrosion at joints). We didn’t have the right parts so despite spending half the day doing plumbing work (and the other half getting the kit, having lunch and getting birthday presents for the Girl) all we got out of it was not being able to take showers or anything because there are no turn off valves that go to the tub and we had to turn off the whole house water. So we couldn’t turn it back on because  there was nothing stopping the water from spraying out of those pipes and we couldn’t even hook up the new hardware we bought.

Feeling nasty today we went and got the adaptors we needed. Awesome, totally ready to kick this house’s butt. You’ll never understand this next part. It makes NO sense at all… We have to remove a pair of old nut and ring sets on the pipes to put new ones on. Only they won’t come off…beause the guy who lived here before us (the one who superglued the toilet part in) saudered the nut and ring on.

We did get the parts on today, and they are the right parts, they they’d look a lot prettier if the rest of the house around it wasn’t a mess (let’s not even get into the laundry area, which we have to crouh in to do all this work, whih suffered a flood at some point and the previous owner just put a couple layers of plywood on top of it instead of replacing it, so now it the floor splinters in places when you step on it). You know, like the big piece of wood in the wall, with nails sticking out of it, that’s sole purpose seems to be getting in the way of reaching the pipes to the tub. Or that we dropped the small wrench I bought just for this job under the house and only that area of the house is enclosed by a brick wall in the crawl space.

Anyway, all the pieces on… didn’t seal right so when we turned on the house water the new hardware started leaking. So yeah, new stuff, but between the hot and cold pipes the leak is worse than it was before we changed the parts, and the hot water is leaking which will make our heating bill skyrocket.

The good news is that this leaking can probably be solved by disconnecting the parts, adding an extra layer of plumbing tape and tightening it back on better so that it seals better. I say probably because in any other house that would fix it. But this is our house, so…

So today we turned the house water on long enough to fill water bottles and pet water dishes, and to bathe, then lived without water for the rest of the day.

Modern plumbing, you may not need it as often as you need power, but you really mourn it when it’s gone.

Please, please, just let it seal better this time beause I’m really tired and want a long hot shower with my shiny new faucet (in a tub that’s probably older than me *sigh*).

Category: Family, Personal | Comments Off on My Suicidal House, Let me tell you about it.
February 2

Murky Depths #6

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Click to Buy

Where much of speculative fiction questions or outright violates our perceptions of reality, the first contribution to Murky Depths #6, “The Lastest Marianne” by Alan Frackelton, takes a more direct route. This surreal tale concerns a haunted man’s progressive descent into madness… Full review at The Fix.

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February 1

25 Things About Me

Since I’ve gotten tagged on MySpace, FaceBook and blogs for this one I’m doing it here for easy referencing.

1. I SOLD A NOVELLA TO SKULLVINES PRESS!! Okay, I’ve just been bursting with that lately, but now I know the contract has gotten back to the people in charge and I can talk about it. The story is called “Rot” it’s a pseudo-romance, all-horror, dark humor zombie tale that asks the question “Why would we be herding zombies?” I’ve got some amusing and fun promos planned so stay tuned for more.

2. I often garden barefoot.

3. I love taking pictures. Not enough to take a class or anything, but I do carry my camera with me all the time and I take shots of strange things like fences and playground mulch so I can use them for photo manipulations later. You can see some of my photos and photo manipulations on my MySpace page.

4. You can also see some of my drawing art there. Again, I enjoy doing it. I’ve gotten compliments on it from people I admire (and disses over on Deviant Art, but the day my self esteem depends on someone random person on the internet is the day I brick myself in a room for the rest of my life).

5. I own three pink shirts–by choice. Two are tank tops that I use while gardening. One is a thermal shirt.

6. My favorite color is purple, though I like many other colors as well.

7. I love storytelling more than any single medium. I like the characters and the imagination and world building, the moment when plot threads come together, or where something major is revealed. This is probably why I like so many different genres.

8. It helps that I also love language. When I’m writing I can almost feel the words coming out, like there’s a beat and I have to turn it from some half-remembered thought into something solid. Sometimes the wrong word choice almost seems like it’s clashing or clanging on the page. There’s cadence in my head when I write.

9. Which is funny because I’m not at all musical. I was made to take piano lessons as a kid, and recorder lessons in grade school. I’m practically tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. Not to mention I completely missed out on the 80s, and still haven’t caught up, so my knowledge of what seems to be common pop culture/music facts is sorely lacking. I was a senior in high school, in 1997, when I learned “NOFX” was not “N-O-F-X”.

10. I have a little cowgirl inside me. I mean, I like hanging out at a barn, listening to country music. I even used to go to rodeos and square dances. I still would too. I sometimes watch rodeos on TV.

11. Speaking of which I love to watch equine eventing too, especially jumping. But if I could actually participate in an equine event it would totally be rodeo related.

12. In fact, if I had insurance, I’d like to attempt bullriding. Yes. Seriously. There’s a guy here who used to teach people how to do it on bulls that weren’t, er, active enough to be rodeo bulls. Hell, I’d be happy with a mechanical bull.

13. I scrapbook. I find it relaxing, creative, and since I use pictures of friends and family it always makes me smile.

14. I think science is a form a magic. Thinking of the odds that weigh against us, and everything around us, of everything that can go wrong, but how rarely it does, makes me believe even more in magic. Science is just as “fantastic” as fantasy.

15. I don’t like spending money on myself. I mean, I like having “stuff” but I hate paying a lot for it. I’m totally a dollar store and clearance bin shopper.

16. I’m allergic to cats. Yes, we have a cat. He isn’t allowed on the bed, and often not in the room. I can pet him just fine, but when he rubs on my face, or any bit of me but my hands, I break out into itchy hives.

17. We kept the cat because he followed us home eight blocks in the rain, in February.

18. And we kept the dog because he showed up in our yard one day, spotted my son (who was two at the time) and refused to leave. He lived in the unfenced back yard for three days on half a pack of bologna and rain water. So we gave up and kept him. Yes, we can take a hint.

19. I’m a godless pagan. Literally, I’m pagan, but I don’t follow any specific pantheon. My husband follows Norse beliefs. But me, I haven’t found, in almost 15 years, a pantheon or tradition that calls to me.

20. I like to organize. Charts, to do lists, and, joy!, big piles of handme downs to go through! This is why I like thrift store shopping.

21. I plan to see what I look like with purple hair. I even have the dye, I just need the bleach. It’s actually one of the reason I cut my hair.

22. I’m claustrophobic. Actually it’s not small places, it’s smothering. I’m terrified of smoothering. I have, (rarely, thank goodness) woken up in the middle of the night completely panicked because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Of course, the panic makes the shortness of breath worse and not being able to get a deep breath makes the panic worse.

23. My comfort foods are Chinese (crab ragoon, fried rice mmm), Taco Bell and grilled cheese.

24. I like bags. Purses, backpacks, toes. Doesn’t matter. I like bags.

25. My first short story ever was about a girl who saved a bunch of actors from someone on a set that was trying to kill them. In fact, she somehow shoved AH-rnold out of the way of wrecking ball. Even more unbelievable Robin Williams, Johnny Depp and Arnold S. (I still haven’t learned how to spell it) were all in the same movie together. Once you’ve gone there dangling participles and split infinitives, even Mary Sues cannot compare. It was eight pages.

I’m not tagging anyone because I think I’m the last one to do this. But if you want to poach it, go for it.

January 29

Apex Magazine: January 2009

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Click to Read

Reminiscent of a Children’s Help Network commercial, Ruth Nestvold’s “On the Shadow Side of the Beast” is tale of a post apocalyptic world that offers no real explanation of what happened to ruin Berlin. It touches on a lot in a small space, children vs. adults, lack of education, the quest for survival, all set against a backdrop different from the America-centric one most often found in science fiction. It feels like only part of a story though, with a lot left up to the imagination and plenty of ends left open.

“In Memory” by James Stone is a disturbing tale of humans pushing their limits to unimaginable extremes. Kenny is a mathematician who uploaded himself into an experimental program long ago. After his mother’s funeral he notices a number of missing gaps in his memory and discovers he’s locked away parts of his memory from himself. What’s hidden is dark and terrible. Despite the tech heavy cloak on this tale at its core it’s about the struggles of the human mind trying to deal with the terrible and the tragic events in our lives. While Kenny is accused of becoming less human by locking his memories away, the action to cut out painful memories is very human, and in this tale, made possible by technological advances.
“Starter House” by Jason Palmer is quite the strange tale, where houses are giant creatures that must be chained and pained into submission for the survival of the humans living on a planet far away. What starts as a strange commentary touching on elitism and classism, quickly turns into a reflection of our current housing market and war issues. From there, as the prestige of owning a purebred house is stripped away by the struggle to survive in poverty, the story becomes one of a war between a man and his house. This tale is surreal, complex and not to be missed.
“Edison’s Dead Men” by Ed Turner is another reprint from Permuted Press’ History is Dead anthology. A bit too serious and dangerous to be a pure dark humor tale, it’s not your average zombie story. It is part science fiction, historically so, speculating on
“What if Edison’s electricity made zombies?” It’s a fun little mad scientist tale readers should be sure not to over look.
This Issue also features:
Popped Culture: This is Totally Going on the DVR by Justin Stewart
Confessions of a Book Junkie: Book Burning by Lavie Tidhar
Category: Personal | Comments Off on Apex Magazine: January 2009
January 26

Evil Penguins: When Cute Penguins Go Bad by Elia Anie

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Click to Buy

Paperback: 9781416961154 , $10.00

*I received this book through a giveaway at GoodReads.com

These penguins live up to their title, they’re evil, really evil. From giving Sponge Bob swirlies to invading China and doing very naughty things with razor wire it seems penguins are responsible for every pop culture, historical and religious evil known to man.

There’s very little reading to do in this book, but there will be a lot of laughing. It’s short, the humor is almost universal and the message is easy to understand. Evil Penguins isn’t the kind of book most people (other than dark humor or penguin fans) would ask for, but it’s perfect for those pesky uncomfortable gift giving situations. Secret Santas, gift exchanges with co-workers you barely know or present games at baby showers or holiday parties. The chances of a recipient not finding something inside these pages hilarious is pretty slim, and it’s likely that said person would be impossible to satisfy anyway.

Category: Humor | Comments Off on Evil Penguins: When Cute Penguins Go Bad by Elia Anie